The Nagus Needs A Hearing Aid, Or WHAAAAAAT?
by Diva Urd
Summary: My very first ST fanfic, written when I was 15... The Nagus arrives at DS9 and suddenly realizes that he has lost his hearing. After some accidents, his son hires mercs to get the ferengi leader the needed hearing aid...


The Nagus needs a hearing aid or WHAAAAAAAAAAT???  
  
"Charlie Angel" and "Woody the Romulan" are part of another fan fiction I read years ago – if the author reads this, write me and I will list your name as credit for the two characters!  
  
Deep Space Nine and all Characters aside from the ones mentioned above are owned by Paramount.  
  
Part One: The Problem  
  
Nagus Zek grinned as his ship docked at Deep Space Nine. He would visit Quark and make some of his disgustingly legal business go wrong. He, his son Krax and his hupyrian servant went on the transporter platform and the responsible engineer started the transfer. In the next moment they stood right in front of Quark's Etablissement. Zek, Ferengi as he was, went straight to the holosuites and pressed one of his ears at the door. He heard absolutely nothing. The Nagus pressed even harder – NOTHING! Suddenly a hand was lying on his shoulder. Zek turned around to face Constable Odo. "Nagus, why do you eavesdrop on this door? God, what's happening in there is loud enough to hear it on the whole promenade!" Zek didn't understand him. "WHAAAAAAAAAAT???" Astonished, Odo looked at him, shrugged and went back to his business. The Nagus caught his breath and screeched," KRAAAAXXXX!!!" In the blink of an eye, his son appeared next to him. "Take me to sickbay...IMMEDIATELY!!!" Krax simply nodded, took him by the arm and lead him to the place Zek wanted to go. When they arrived at sickbay, Zek looked around and found the place to be totally abandoned. On the table in front of him there was something that looked like a huge slime worm. The Nagus sniffed at it, found the smell somewhat pleasing and finally stuffed it into his mouth. Just in this moment Dr. Bashir came back fron his lunch, saw what was happening and shouted something. The Nagus swallowed and asked,"WHAAAAAAAAAAT???" Bashir walked to his side and screamed him in the ear,"The thing you just ate was a dead trill symbiont on which I wanted to carry out an autopsy!!!" Zek retched and searched for a toilet in which he could spit the contents from inside his stomach. He didn't find one, so he spewed right before Bashir's feet. When he was finished, he ordered,"Krax, find someone who gets me a hearing aid – it looks like it is necessary now. Nagus to Chazpac:Three to beam up!" Light was shimmering, and the two Ferengi and their servant dissappeared.  
  
Charlie Angel got onto the bridge of her ship, a klingon bird of prey named Everlasting Falcon – and tripped over a pair of legs which jut out under the weapon control. They belonged to her only assistant in her business- smuggling- , who was also her chief engineer and co-navigator: the Romulan Woody. Charlie never learned to speak out his real name properly and Woody was a little neurotic in fact, so she called him after Woody Allen. God, if the Romulan ever found out what his name meant... Right, Woody was not quite sane in some issues, but his work was (almost) constantly excellent. He lent her a hand to help her back on her feet and said,"Sorry, Sir." His face was black like midnight in a black hole. Angel grinned."Never mind, it's okay. How 'bout the repair?" "Almost finished, Sir." "So, then clean up your visage and – please don't call me 'Sir'." "Aye, Sir!" Charlie sighed. Suddenly one of the consoles began to beep. Woody cursed,"Fuck! I just repaired this shitty thing!!!" He went to it, looked kind of surprised at the screen and announced:" We're being hailed. A message from the Ferengi Cruiser Chazpac." "On screen." A very ugly Ferengi appeared on the screen ,saying,"This is Krax, son of the grand nagus of the Ferengi Alliance. Do you read?" Charlie looked at Woody whose face said,'Yeah, and I'm the son of the praetor!' So the Romulan didn't believe the monkeyface, too. She looked at the Ferengi again and replied," We read you. Go ahead." "I have an assignment for you. You have to get a...well...a prothesis for the ear for my father." Angels face looked like a question mark. "Cut transmission." Then she turned to Woody and asked,"Do you have any idea what the monkey face meant?" Woody grinned and lifted a hand to his pointed ear."WHAAAAAAAAAAT???" Now she understood. Charlie also began to grin and said,"I wonder how someone with huge ears like this could get deaf...Transmission back on screen." The Ferengi appeared on the screen again. "We'll carry out your aasignment", Angel assured him." Woody, how much money do we get?" The Romulan calculated for a short while and answered," 65 bars of gold- pressed latinum." Krax's Eyes nearly popped out of his head and he screamed:" SIIIIXXXTTYYY- FIIIIVE BAAAAAAARS??? Are you insane?" Woody showed his best pokerface. "You have to pay our fuel, the ...prothesis, fees and extra costs for flying through cardassian space- perhaps we have to grease someone's palm for crossing the border. The price is just right. I actually gave you discount!" The Ferengi sighed. "All right. But hurry up, please!Chazpac out." The screen went blank. Charlie put herself in the seat next to Woody and ordered,"Set course on Theta Alpha VI. Here we go!" ...And the klingon bird of prey called Everlasting Falcon went to Warp.  
  
Part Two: The Solution  
  
In the meantime, the Nagus got back to Deep Space Nine. He sat at Quark's place and drank some thasian mouse milk. His hupyrian servant sat next to him and enjoyed his dried veleturian toads. At his other side there sat a somewhat sinister-looking Klingon who roared,"Stay away from me, Ferengi. I won't let you soil mewith your honorless behavior!" The Nagus turned to face him."And you, Klingon? If you would have any honor inside you, you were not sitting here!" This was the worst he could have said. The Klingon slowly rose from his seat, but Zek was faster than him and did the fastest dignified departure in Ferengi history. Quark shouted something after him, but the Nagus didn't understand. He looked at Quark while still running and asked,"WHAAAAAAAAAAT???" Then he ran into something that felt like a massive wall. The last he was able to see was that the Orion into which he had run lifted one of his huge fists...  
  
Four days later, Zek awakened at sickbay. Dr. Bashir and Krax stood at his biobed and looked somewhat relieved. The Nagus got on his feet told them that he was about to walk a little bit around the station and sneaked along the hallway. Suddenly someone patted him on the shoulder. It was Woody. "We got your...prothesis for the ear." The Romulan grinned. "Come with me." They went into a section of DS9 where nobody ever sat a foot in. There Charlie Angel awaited them. She had a cloth in which stuck four different-shaped hearing aids. The Nagus tried everyone of them and finally put them back into the improvised bag. "They aren't functioning!" Woody held one at his ear and made a face." It's functioning perfectly!",he assured. Angel said,"So it's not our fault. We are not responsible for your problem; we wanna get paid now!" "And what if I do not pay?" "Then Woody will break your neck.Woody!" The Romulan took a threatening step forward. Zek replied,"Oh, I don't think so." With these words he took a Ferengi blaster out of his pocket and aimed it at the two smugglers. Woody reacted a bit faster than him and beamed them back to the Everlasting Falcon. The deadly beam of Zek's weapon hissed through empty air. The Nagus shrugged , put the blaster back into his pocket and went to the turbolift. The door didn't open. So Zek held his ear at the door. Suddenly the door hissed open, and the shocked ensign who saw himself confronted with a large Ferengi ear screamed,"Emergency start!!!" The door shut again – and Zek's long earhairs were caught between it! He had no choice: he adjusted his blaster on the finest beam it could produce and cut the hairs. He listened – and found himself able to hear again!  
  
After a short visit at the barber's the Nagus felt as if he were just newborn. His rediscovered hearing abitlity was functioning great. His business on DS9 was finished, so he went back to his ship. After undocking from the station the ship went to Warp. Suddenly a klingon bird of prey decloaked in front of the Chazpac and fired with all weapons. Then Angel and Woody appeared on the screen. Angel sneered,"Here we are again! Where are our 65 bars g.p.l.?" Woody added,"Fleeing is futile...we brought a few of our friends with us; you are encircled." Krax looked at the sensor screen and nodded." They're right, father." Zek muttered a Ferengi curse and replied,"Okay, you won. Tarmok, beam the latinum on the bridge of the bird of prey." A moment later the bars appeared on the other bridge. Woody rose to count them. He nodded at Angel who grinned wickedly and said,"Why, thank you. Oh yes...if you look closer at the sensor scans of our 'friends', you will recognize them as thoron shadows! Good bye and thanks for the money!!!" The laughing images of Angel and Woody disappeared; the screen only showed how the bird of prey went to warp and got cloaked again. The Nagus screamed, opened a channel and cursed the smugglers until he was sure that they were out of range.  
  
After they ripped off the Grand Nagus so easily, Angel wanted to celebrate. She put the nav on autopilot, fetched two bottles of romulan ale out of the Captain's seat and spoke out a toast on the terrible dumbness of the monkeyheads.  
  
Meanwhile, the Nagus sat in his cabin aboard the Chazpac and was thinking. He couldn't afford one more flop like this. And that happened to him – The Grand Nagus of the Ferengi Alliance, the best example of illegal trading and ripping off customers! Suddenly he smiled mischieviously. When he got back to Deep Space Nine , he would get his money back somehow...  
  
THE END  
  
  



End file.
